“What is addiction?”
Chapter twenty
“What is addiction?”
What is addiction?
Can addiction stop with self-control? I tried control; it did not work for me. Is it the person’s fault if they’re addicted?
I have blamed myself for my addictions. What do you think causes addictions? Is it the family we are raised in?
There are so many opinions on this subject, is addiction a disease? I have come across many people who ask those same questions.
I believe it is not the family that causes the addictions and it is not other people’s fault. I believe we are all addicted to something. It does not have to be alcohol or drugs, but I believe because we are human beings we have defects of character. Some people can be addicted to many things. I have come to believe that “Addiction”, started in the thinking, well it started in my thinking. If I think addictive, my thoughts can be addictive. I cannot control an addiction with my will power I have tried long enough and hard enough. I have experienced trying to control my thinking, drinking, drugging, sex and food. I could not. It is nobody’s fault if they are an addict. It just is and we can get help no matter what the problem is. As far as my thinking I have to really watch it everyday, one day at a time. I surrender my thinking, one day at a time. I surrender my alcohol, drugs, sex, food, and thinking. I have to everyday because I can go back to acting on those thoughts I have, and act on the addictions. Today I choose not to.
My food addiction got real bad when I stopped the drinking, drugging and sex. I did not have a higher power or an understanding of one. I started eating and I gained a lot of weight. It was like a love affair with food. I still have that same problem with food. It seems easier some days and hard some days. God took my obsessions with alcohol, drugs, but not food.
The reason God did not take my food obsession is because I have not let go. I am still holding on to it. I love food. I have to be honest. I had a fear. I thought I needed to eat, I hated to be thin because the memories of childhood got real bad and food was my escape my safety zone. I hated how men lusted for me when I was thin and when I was fat they did not pay attention to me. I also hated that, so I basically I hated everything.
I had low self-esteem and I could not handle being thin. The food helped me run from my past. In reality food does not help. Nothing in the physical realm can help. The only way out of our past, or past memories is surrendering and letting a higher power take over. That shows how addiction is in the thinking. I honestly have not gotten to the point with food as I did with alcohol, drugs. Now I don’t feel that hate I had for myself, or the fear of others. I just love food and have not gotten sick and tired of the way I am with food. I have gotten to a point of having a nervous break down with food but I still have not let go. So that shows me I have a lot of work to do. I am eating better now and moving forward and I am taking the recipe of life. “The Twelve Steps” on the food addiction.
I wish I could say I have let go completely with it but I have not. I have lost a lot of weight but have maintained that weight I lost for about a year and still have more to loose so it shows me I have a long way to go and surrendering to do.
About the sex well I still deal with that on a daily basis. I don’t run around with men anymore and cheat on my better half. I would of if I ran on my thoughts and did what my thoughts tell me. I believe that also is a daily process I am learning a balance with sex. I have gone through periods of not doing it for months and then over doing it and thinking about it all the time. It has to do with me, and the childhood events that happened to me. I love it and hate. It gets better just like the other addictions do in time and in Gods time.
Addiction is a disease and as human beings we are dis-at-ease in life. I seem to look for people, places, things or thoughts, to fix us. I have experienced my thoughts being addictive. I can think myself into being in love with someone I have not even seen. I have done that.
Take for example, you are down and out and your family is gone. You have no one and your spouse is gone, if you do not have a higher power working in your life, then we can easily think ourselves into things. Like people who are addicted to the Internet. They meet someone and soon they are having an affair. You hear about them dying in an alley. Their thoughts created that and their thoughts were addictive thinking. It started in the mind. We can get into trouble with our thoughts if we act on them. My mind is a dangerous neighborhood. Even though I have a strong belief in God I still need to be on guard with my thinking and behaviors. I can loose it in a second. I have lost it in a second even though I have not acted out on drinking or drugging since 1995. I have acted out on other thoughts and I did not like the consequences I had. I do believe in a power of the Spirit. I strongly believe in a God the Spirit. I still acted on some thoughts that got me into trouble that is because I am not a saint and I am in the human body.
I believe the only way out is to surrender.
I have to surrender over and over some times moments and moments. Now how do I do that? Surrender, is that being weak? Does surrendering mean I just let go and nothing else? I believe in order for people to get through their addictions they have to surrender, surrender is letting go and letting your higher power take over. Now how can a person surrender if they do not have a higher power? I have heard people say they do not believe in a higher power and they seem to have surrendered.
I asked them how do you surrender if you do not believe in a higher power? I was told, “Just let go and give it to the universe.” So to me that is saying that their higher power is the universe. We have to let go and go on with our lives and let the universe, God, whatever you choose to call it, take over. As long as you get rid of it and completely surrender to the fact that you cannot do what it is that you are addicted to doing and go with life. If a person thinks they can surrender to a tree, if you believe that the tree will take your problems then go for it. If you have faith that it will help you, go for it, whatever works, work it. I think if it works don’t fix it. Your higher power will let you know when to fix it. I had my higher power as my best friend. As time went on that friend became more and now that friend is within you and I and is all. So God the spirit, or the tree, whatever you choose to call it will let us know when to move on to another path.
To be Continued.....
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras
By Angellady
© 2007 Angellady
(All rights reserved)
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