Where I am today.
Epilogue
Where I am today
There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not thought about my son David. I will be honest I cry, some times I cry myself to sleep. It has been since 2001 since I let go of him. It feels like I am mourning like he died. I love him it hurts a lot at times. When I cry I let myself feel my feelings, I believe if I pretend I do not feel certain losses then I am hiding and it will only take me over. I need to let the feelings out in healthy ways. I give it to God, and I go on with my life. I am human, I have feelings I believe we need to express our feelings we just should not dwell in them.
Feelings are feelings, but they do not need to take power over us. I give my son to God. I surrendered. I have no power over this situation. God can and will take care of him. I know I cannot help. I have tried all I can to show love and let him know I love him. I know God’s love can help him. As I have mentioned before I cannot make anyone love me, or forgive me, not even my child. All I can do is be a person who can give forgiveness and love, and at the same time I cannot let anyone walk over me. I cannot let others have power over me. It has not been the easiest road for me; I made it difficult because of my lack of trust in not accepting the Love of God. I feel freer than I have ever felt this is all due to my trust and belief in God.
Children are a gift that has been given to us from God we are here to take care of them and do the best we can. They have free will and sometimes the best way to love is just letting go and loving from a far. In my case I had to. I have always wanted a child and the part that hurts me the most is I drank him out of my life. I am living with the consequences of my actions. At the same time my son has an anger problem that has taken him over. I did not let go for my sake only, but for his sake. I had to let go because it would have destroyed him. His anger turned into poison. He was turning into a totally different person. He needed help and the more I tried to help the more intense his anger became.
I did not want to be a victim in the newspapers. I love him I always will, but he has to learn how to live, some of us have to make our own mistakes I did. I know God is with him and so I am letting God do His work. I know there will be a day when I won’t have to give my son to God everyday because I know he is with God. I won’t have to remind myself to give him to God. For now I do because it helps me. As I grow I believe letting go will be done I don’t have to remind God. I do this to remind myself. God hears us. God is part of us as I believe and in that case I do not have to keep repeating it to Him. In the mean time I feel comfortable this way.
June 2003 I received a letter from court welfare that they opened the case. They closed it for a year, said I did not owe money now they re-opened it and I owe child support. They have ordered my son to live with my mother. He is being abused and I am paying welfare. I feel like I am paying for him to be abused. I am not able to just sit and watch this happen. I believe there is a difference in letting go when you cannot help but I do not believe in just letting someone get abused. I lived that hell and I cannot just sit and watch my son go though that. Yes he chose to live with her. She is mentally abusive. I do not have any proof of physical or sexual abuse. Although I do know my mother and I know what she is capable of doing.
I have been in a deep depression. I stopped writing and almost gave up on this book. I am not giving up. I am going to spread this message and hope that other children do not end up like my son or like I did. I have written letters to the courts and welfare. I also have written letters to the Governor, Mr Bush, Newspapers, talk shows, etc. I am not going to just watch the court system try to take money and let our children get abused. I cannot change it alone but we can. I have gotten a group together and we sent letters to get this message out to plant a seed. For years and years abuse has been taboo. People do not want to talk about it and express their feelings. I know because I did not want to talk about what happened to me. The danger in hiding and not talking about it is those who have been abused feel like they’re abnormal and do not belong, some commit suicide. I do not want to see another child be abused. Yes, I know it has been going on for years and years. It will continue to go on for years and years because people go on their own will and do not care about others. They push the love of God away, do not act on the positive, they act on their pride, ego and anger. I feel that is why we have rape, incest, domestic violence and so fourth. It makes me so furious how an adult can take and rob an innocent child like that.
To be continued...
By Angellady
© 2007 Angellady
(All rights reserved)
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