Contuation Of Where I am today.
Contuation Of Where I am today.
As for my dog, Angel He is my angel dog. He gives me unconditional love. I never had a dog and now I have a special one.
My husband Phil is doing well. He has shown me a love I have never had. He loves me for me and lets me be myself. Phil, here is something I wrote in the year 2002 for you. I would like to share with you and everyone who reads this.
Phil, you have not only been my friend, my partner, and my lover; You have been my teacher. Since the day we met my whole life has changed. You have shown me what a true friend is. You have shown me through your actions what a gentleman really is. With your Love you have helped me Love. God gave you a gift. You are using that gift with every one you touch, through your actions and through your words. I watch you. I see your actions. I hear your words. I see the God in you working through you. You have gone through a lot in life.
You have seen a lot in life. Because of what you have been though in your life, you are an example to many people. You changed the negatives in your life to positives. You taught me to be positive. You showed me that life is what I make it. You have loved me, for me. You have let me make mistakes with out judging me. You have been strong when I was weak. You have been with me through thick and thin. You were there when I was not. You have helped me become the lady I have always wanted to be You truly are my best friend and my lover. You are a gift from God. You are one of my teachers.
I thank God for you being in my life. We’re blessed; Phil, you are a gift from God. I love you Phil
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God has loved me until I could love myself. God has sent me Angels to walk with me, to carry me to pick me up when I am down and to send me Love. I have seen God’s Love through people such as my Earth Angel I wrote about, and my husband Phil. Nancy and Conrad you have been with me loving me until I could love myself, you still are loving me. I thank God for you two in my life.
I see God in nature, animals. I see God with in everything. All I have to do is look around and I see God. Look in the mirror, there is God within you. Smell the flowers, feel the sun, then you feel God’s warmth upon you. Hear the music of God, see the dance of God, let yourself be loved. You deserve it. You do not have to earn it. You have it within. We are God’s children; we have His Love within us. Just be and let it come to you. Be yourself, enjoy being you. No one can take your place; you are a unique child of God. We are all His children and if we were to treat each other as if we were all connected then the world would be of Love. We are made from Love so lets express the love. God is all and let’s spread the love of God. We all have love within us so let’s spread our love and talents with each other. Let’s re-create a new us. Each day is a new beginning all we have is this moment so enjoy it. It is all Love. Everyone is the place where God is, however I would rather choose to be the place where God shines through. And so it is.
A lot of things have been changing in my life. More acceptance and more experiences I have been going through. March 26th 2004 I went to see a specialist. He was honest and he talked for over an hour with me. It was great to be treated with respect. Some of the other doctors I have seen did not give me the time of day. This specialist checked all the 18 points and explained to me what they mean. He let me ask questions and listened to me. He did say, I might have Lupus and he told me what tests to get. He said I would need the ANA test, the SED rate test and the RA test. I was not able to afford to take the test. March 26th 2004 was when I was diagnosed with FMS, FMS is “Fibromyalgia” I already thought I had the symptoms from what other people who have FMS “Fibromyalgia” but now it is reality. I know it is FMS. Actually I feel relived now that I know I am not crazy. I have had pain for a long time. I just ignored it. I thought I was going nuts. I hurt all the time and it would trade places. I thought what the heck is going on. I cried all the time. It was depressing. I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and freaking out in my head thinking this is not real.
I did not have insurance and I thought the pain was from my weight because I am over weight. I also blamed my pain from being beaten for years from my ex husband. I left him in 1995, I believe it triggered FMS but I did not know what my pain was from for years until March of 2004.
In 1999 the pain got worse after having gallbladder surgery. It seemed my whole body became in much more pain. Each day I was feeling worse it seemed. I was put on state disability for one year in 1999 because of my knee. I was also on state disability in 1995 for my knee. Now that I have a name for the pain I am relived to know it is not in my head. Many doctors do not believe in FMS. It is not easy to diagnose because there is not a blood tests and a doctor has to be well informed on FMS and study it. Many times people with FMS are put to the way side, doctors ignore us. Doctors have to believe what we say about the pain because there are no tests to let us know we have FMS. Doctors treat us as if were making it up we are not, we live with pain daily. That is why it is so hard for people with FMS. Family, friends and even some doctor’s do not believe that were in as much pain as we say we are.
I finally was able to get those tests done with insurance and I was diagnosed with Lupus that was August 31, 2004. I was not surprised because I was told I might have lupus because of the symptoms I was having. FMS has similar symptoms as Lupus but FMS does not affect the kidneys and liver and Lupus can. I am fortunate that my liver and kidneys are good. I am now on medication for lupus.
As long as I take the medication I will be ok and watch what I eat. I still have pain and don’t sleep well and cannot be on my feet for to long.
With my experience living with FMS and now Lupus it seems that FMS and Lupus is just as sneaky as alcoholism is. It gets us when we least suspect it. Some times the pain seems to go away then in the next minute or few or hours or days or months and I heard even years it can feel it went away but then it comes back in full force. Lupus is different in the way that it affects the immune system and FMS does not at least not that we know of.
I was fortunate to find a doctor who was able to help me and tell me what is wrong with me. I think because most of us who have Lupus and FMS especially FMS we look normal, we do not look sick so doctors tend to not believe we are sick. They tend to think were imagining it, we’re not. It is sad because they can’t see our pain. They have to trust what we say and many doctors don’t. I know many more doctors are starting to believe in FMS but some still don’t. Because my ANA test was high it was 1:320 and that is what they said made them believe I had something wrong with me. Other wise I probably would have been told what I was told before, just loose weight and get help for your depression. Because of the ANA test and other tests and me not giving up when they told me it was just my weight. Then after losing a lot of weight I was still told it was weight and depression that was causing my pain. Finally they took a look once they saw my ANA test and now I am on medication. So things are a lot better now that I know what is going on and have something that can help me live life better and healthier. I do not know if I have had Lupus for a long time or not but now that I know I do have it. I have completely changed the way eating. I started to eat healthier in January of 2004 even thought I did not know about FMS or Lupus.
I thought my pain was from being heavy and then when the doctors told me it was from being heavy I really started to lose weight. Then the weight did not take the pain away. What losing weight did is make me feel better about myself mentally and I felt little better physically. I still could not work and I still walk with a cane. I do not know if I will always need a cane to walk with but for now I am. What I eat is all fresh vegetables, fruits, organic if possible, fish three to four times a week, lean chicken and turkey. Not much red meat. I eat avocados and tofu and soy products. I try to stay away from sugar and I drink sodas every once in a while. I drink lots of water and I take flaxseed oil, and flaxseed and vitamins I drink Green tea.
I believe it is important for me to eat healthy and to do all I can do to live a healthy life and to keep my immune system healthy. I swim when I can weather permitting, because that is the best way for me to get exercise; swimming is easier on the joints and muscles. I cannot be on my feet long periods of time I do walk but swimming is what I prefer. I swim in the evenings in the summer time when the sun is down because I cannot take the sun at all. Having Lupus I cannot be in the sun to long.
I used to not care if I lived or died as I was growing up as you have read. Now I want to live and I want others to know they can live happy and healthy with any form of disease and those who have been abused we all can have a life no matter how our life was in the past we all can be happy and healthy it is up to us what we choose what we want to do in our life. All we can do is the best we can and keep a positive attitude. I was in denial about my pain for years. I was in pain way before 1995 and I would just numb myself with alcohol and drugs to run from myself. I would put a wall up and just ignore it as if it does not exist. I did that with my alcoholism, and drug addiction. I did that with the sexual abuse that happened to me in childhood. I would just not accept it and would continue to live in chaos from not accepting I needed help.
To be continued..
By Angellady
© 2007 Angellady
(All rights reserved)
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