Thoughts in Circles ( A Poetic Journal)
More than 35 years ago, a girl I loved broke-up with me. I took it really hard. Writing my thoughts down in poetic form, helped me through this first-time experience. Thought you might be interested in reading them, if you had the time.
In the quiet moments
Of the not-so-certain present
One thinks back
To the once-so-certain past
And wonders—
What-the-hell-happened!
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The first time with you was the best.
But then something better came along—
The second time
And then a third
and forth
and fifth
and so on
All better than the one before
And finally this last one
Which was best of all
But somehow
When I thing back over all of them
It is the first and the last
That I remember most.
The first is made better
By every time after
And the last is made better
By all the times before.
They remain equal in value
For always.
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I was happiest
with myself
when I was happy
with you
when you were happy
with me
when we were happy
with us.
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The Good Times?
Any day
You wanted to see me
And did;
Any night with you
That you didn’t
Want to go home;
Any dream
About you
That came true.
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We held hands
and we felt closer than our hands were;
We kissed
and we felt as One;
We made love
and we exchanged places;
And we were as happy
being the other person
As we were
being ourselves.
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When I think
Of how things were
And how things could be
I don’t understand
Why things are
The way they are now.
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I
went into my first love
without fear
for I truly believed it
to be my last love
and I left no emergency exits open—
and I got killed.
Wait till next time—
I’ll do it exactly the same.
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you’re not the same
and that’s too bad
for i remember
the joys we had
when you were you
and
i
myself
put all our problems
on a shelf
for later
when we both would find
that love leaves troubles
far behind.
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Confusing
Comparisons/Contrasts.
My times
With you now
Are better than
My times with anyone else before
And if I compared them so
They would be good
But I don’t.
I compare them
With the times
I had with you before
And they’re not as good
But they’re still better than
Any
Of my other times
With others.
Comparisons Confuse.
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Things seem so simple
to you
And yet they are so complicated
for me.
Why?
The only thing that makes things simple
is love.
I have answered my own question.
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pain
is love
kept inside.
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As soon as you
Can say you love me
And are positive
Sure
Of it
And be just as sure
That you’ll never
Take it back;
Then will I stop
Everything I am doing
Stop
And wait for you.
It will not matter then
If you think
You still must
Meet people
And do
Because I will know
That you love me
And nothing else
Will matter.
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Lately
The only time
I’m still sure
You care about me
Is when
You get mad at me.
Something’s wrong
When I look forward
To being yelled at
Or told off
Or put down
Or told I’m wrong.
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I need
To be told
That I’m better
Or worse
Than other people;
That I’m liked more
As much
Or less than
Others;
That I mean more
Or less
To you
Than others;
I cannot take myself
For granted;
Anyone
Can be fun;
It’s the rest
That makes
All the difference.
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Blurred vision
A taste of tears
Lonely days
And nights of years
Constant thinking
No answers found
Thought in circles
Round and round
Memories past
Relived—each one
And sorrow for
Things never done.
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In my search for love
I lost myself
To great expectations
And subtle demands
From those who thought
I could be better
Than I was.
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The me I was with you
I was most happy with
And you were happy
With that me also.
I cannot stay the same
If you change.
If I do
I won’t be happy—
Just like now.
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I loved her
for what she was
And I tried Not
to change her
But she changed me.
She loved me before.
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You act different
With me
And yet
You expect me
To be the same
With you
And do
And not do
The same things
I did
And didn’t do
When we loved
Each other.
I try
But it’s not right
Now.
I try
Not to
And it’s not right
Either.
Nothing’s right now.
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The more someone tries
Not to change you
The more they truly love you.
The more someone tries
To change you
The more they love themselves.
For love to last
The love for oneself
Is equal to
The love for another
And changes
Are at a minimum.
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When all is said and done
One still finds something
To say and do.
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“It is better to have loved and lost
than to have never loved at all”
is something that only losers believe.
I want to win—
just Once.
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Jealousy.
Insecurity.
They exist because of each other.
Get rid of one
And they both disappear.
The best way?
To love
And be loved in return.
That gets rid of both
For as long as love lasts.
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Things done wrong
Can always be
Made up for
forgotten
or forgiven.
Things not done
May have had
Only once chance
To exist
And now
That chance is gone.
Let me make mistakes
For if you don’t
I may hold back something
That will be our answer.
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You say that I should get mad at you more;
That you think that I don’t care, if I don’t get mad;
Madness is just a disguise for hurt;
It is something that I try to heal by myself;
If I can’t, then I show it to you—
The hurt, not the madness
And you kiss me
And make it (and us) better.
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All my life
I had planned
to love
just once
and I did.
She didn’t.
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I know you do not love me yet
For if you did
You would not have left
And if you had
You would not have been gone so long.
I know, too
That if you do come back
It will be forever
And no waiting I may do, therefore
Will be long.
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In all my yesterdays
I find nothing
To comfort me today
For today
Is not like yesterday
And yesterday
Is what I lived for.
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In all my yesterdays
I could see
All my tomorrows with you
But today seems to last forever.
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When I loved you
And you loved me
I never had the time
To write my thoughts
And I was glad
I was so busy
Loving you.
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There is no such thing
As time wasted
Or time lost
Or time misused;
There is only Now and the Future;
Both of which
The times past
Made possible.
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When you lose at love once
you think and think
until you fill the void
left by her leaving
and you add a little more—
you have to—
because next time is going to be better—
it has to—
or it wouldn’t be at all.
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Bitter? No, I am not;
Hate, too, is not in me.
Is love gone? No, it is not;
Nor will it ever be.
Memories? They are there;
If not would be a sin.
Forget? No, that would be like saying
That we did not begin.
Cherish all? I do so
With all in heart and mind.
Remember? Yes, for always
For love is hard to find.
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If I could forget my past
It would make my future
So much easier
But it would make me
So much less.
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Lasting memories I hold
Of you, my best girlfriend;
Very precious things to me;
I know they’ll never end;
We knew each other for a while;
An instant now it seems to be;
But I know that it could have never
Been long enough for me;
And so I wish to you all happiness;
Now and throughout the years;
And may only joy, not sorrow
Be the cause of any tears;
May you always have the things you need—
Understanding, Love, and Friends;
And never misuse any of these
For they all have their ends;
And finally when the day comes
When with someone special love you try
I truly hope with all my heart
That you have better luck than I.
Rawland Storm
I had had these printed out in poster-form, with every set of five poems placed in circles on each page. The first poem of each 5 was in a small circle in the center, and the following five were in larger circles in each of the corners. I actually did sell some at the college book store back then. I know where I am now. I wonder where they are now?
Reposted for the Love Lost/Heart Broken Challenge, But I Was Late...Some things never change.
By Rawland
© 2008 Rawland
(All rights reserved)
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