I Don't Miss You Anymore
There was a time I missed you.
Hell, I missed you for so very long,
even when we were together.
I learned very quick that it was very possible
to be so in love with someone, live every day together,
and somehow still be completely alone.
We had something simultaneously instantaneous.
A magical whirlwind that just took us for a ride.
But when the gails died down and who we were got in the way,
we were nothing more than strangers in a room.
I tried so hard to know you,
the angry, deceitful, selfish man you turned out to be.
The stranger I suddenly woke up with,
the hurtful person who'd married me.
I tried so hard to keep us together
despite the odds that piled against us more each day.
I loved you. It was all I really knew for sure.
And it was all we really seemed to have.
I still stood by you, helped you, believed in you,
gave you everything you ever asked.
Time changed us both, it took it all from me,
it gave very little back.
There was a time I missed you.
Hell, I missed you every day.
But trying to get through to you,
trying to keep fighting, being the only one who was...
it took its toll on me.
Time came and went, we had children, we had a life.
But there's only so much hurt one heart can take,
only so many times a person can be lied to,
only so much a person can give before it's all gone.
And though I loved you, and though I missed you,
I knew we couldn't make it.
Because I was alone.
I'd been alone for far too long.
You said you always loved me,
I'm sure somehow that's true.
But you never showed me.
Unless hurt was how you let me know.
Did you ever see what you were doing?
Did you ever see you were killing us?
Did you really expect me to hold on forever?
Did you really expect me to stay in all that pain?
I made my choice. And I don't regret it. I can't.
I didn't make that choice just for me.
I made it for all of us... you, me, our children.
I loved you, and I missed you. But I had to go.
We couldn't stay in that place you'd put us.
I didn't expect you to understand it,
I knew you would never accept it.
And you hated me every day for it.
But I take responsibility for my decision.
That was something you could never do.
There was a time I missed you.
Damn, I missed you every day.
The days after we ended were many,
the heartache immense, the future so full of fear.
The past weighed so heavy, and the answers were far too few.
Had I made the right choice?
Had I done what was right?
What did the future hold?
Where did I go from there?
What happened to us?
What happened?
I had no answers, and in some ways I never will.
But in those days after we ended,
I was on the outside looking in for a change.
I learned through your cruelty just who you were.
I saw through open eyes just how selfish you are,
just how greedy, just how needy,
just how much you expect life and love to be all about you.
I saw how much you blamed me
for things that were your own to blame for.
I saw how much you hated me
for doing what was right for me for a change.
I saw how much you made us pay
for your own stupid mistakes.
And I learned that I deserved far better than that.
There was a time I missed you.
But I don't miss you anymore.
You've shown your true colors,
you've dealt all your cards.
There are just some impressions you can't take back.
In a way, I'm glad we're strangers.
It's sad to say you're the kind of person I don't want to know.
We spent so many years together, all those lonely days...
it's time I can't get back from you. And you can keep it.
I'm moving on and forging new whirlwinds.
I'm happier, I'm healthier,
I'm the sort of woman, mother and friend I always wanted to be.
Maybe part of me will always love you,
that man that, for one instantaneous moment, I knew.
But he's been gone far too long now.
And I can't miss him anymore.
I'm more than done missing you.
By Christel Pond
© 2009 Christel Pond
(All rights reserved)
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